iPHONE SHOTS

Well, it might not be as fancy as the new iPHONE 3G-S, but I did take a lot of pictures with my iPHONE (Including all the pictures that have been posted so far). Here are some of my favorites:

Koba (pronounced Kwiba) is Miles and Cornelia's oldest daughter, and probably the most easily excitable kid and travel companion I have ever met.

Water Buffalo Skull. Grim.


These birds were really cool, and super used to people. There were tons of them all over when we stopped to eat.


Ok. WHAT. THE. FUCK? Horrifying. Disturbing. Scary little plastic toy....with a penis??? What kind of toy is this?


This is Iberia Airlines Idea of vegan breakfast: soggy, tasteless, cold steamed asparagus and artichoke hearts. At least the book is good. Probably tastes better too.


As a result of above pictured airline meal, the VERY FIRST stop was the grocery store for...you guessed it: Soy Delicious ice cream.

THEY COME FOR PEACE THEY COME FOR WAR...

It's about 6:45am, and I have been up for a few hours. This whole jetlag thing really sucks. Good news is, I am now afforded some time to get some more pictures ready and do some more updates.

First, in case you did not see it, here is video footage of Victoria Pendleton at the 2009 World Championships this past March. This girl is built for speed, it's pretty amazing. Check out the attack at about 1:30.



In other radical cycling news, the first issue of THE RIDE is available for free download. This is some very well-executed stuff, and I highly recommend it. Here is what their site has to say about the publication:

"The Ride is an all encompassing read. We know that most people who share our obsession with bikes don’t want to be pigeon-holed as roadies, freeriders, track racers, BMXers, XC riders or even commuters. They are just riders. So we wanted to create something for them, and also for us. Something that crosses both cycling and international borders.

The idea was to create a journal of personal stories. Bikes have changed people’s lives in so many ways and we wanted to gather a small selection of these tales. We didn’t want to give reviews or race reports, we wanted to get under the skin and expose the passion that flows through riders veins."

Sweet. I'm editing some climbing photos and other things from the great South African trip of 2009. Expect those and more a bit later on.

MAJESTIC BEAST!

Just got back from Rocklands. Which is by far the best bouldering I have ever experienced. I will have to post photos and epic tales later when I have more energy. The internet at De Pakhuys did not like Macs. So this has been my first opportunity to update in about a week. Which will undoubtedly mess with the timeline of these entries. Oh well.....




Getting as close to dangerous animals as possible being a valid form of recreation is, I suppose, incredibly debatable. Kruger National Park is insane. We have somehow figured out a way to experience wildlife using the equation of: "Figure out what will kill us, and then, back it off just a little bit. I WANT THE THE MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE DOSE OF DANGER." Either way, Kruger National Park is a total mind-fuck. By all means, let me explain:

In the last two days I have been charged by an elephant (which nearly made me crap my pants, no joke.), woken up to the sound of lions growling on the other side of the fence behind my tent, chased apes away from food stashed at the camp site (They chase back. they are not afraid of people. AT ALL. I have video evidence to be posted later.), fallen asleep to the sound of hyenas outside the tent, watched in horror as I viewed some incomprehensibly stupid woman hang out of her window to take pictures of a lion-a lion that could have and probably should have killed her just to prove a point-a mere 4 or 5 feet away, stood and watched packs of SCARY looking hyenas patrol the campsite just on the other side of the electrified chickenwire fence, and seen animals that I assure you are MUCH more impressive, majestic, and intimidating in their natural habitat than they are at a zoo. Watching the African sunset behind a family of giraffes as they cross the street RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR CAR is-I promise you-a much more intense experience.

Roadside Zebra

A brief list of the animals we saw: elephants, lions, hippos, rhinos, water buffalo, kudu, impala, hyena, warthogs, monitor lizards, birds of paradise, mongoose, baboons, blue apes, giraffe, secretary birds, crocodile, bats and more. It's important to note that by "saw", I mean:they were so close that more than once we were quite nervous about whether or not we would survive the encounter unscathed. There is something un-nerving about coming over a hill and seeing two huge rhino in the road. And, um, they don't like being surprised.

Fruit Bats under the canopy where we ate lunch.

However, the most fascinating animal I witnessed was the South African Camper. A rare breed of mammal that brings utterly exorbitant and egregious amounts of low-end camping gear for a two day trip. Multi-tiered gas stoves, huge rolling campers with convoluted aluminum pole set ups with gazebos, add-on rooms, extra tents, drying racks for clothes, plug-in freezers and fridges, mess kits, dish soap and folding tables, lawn chairs, mattresses, lamps, stools, and even salt and pepper shakers.

In one day I went from avoiding 20 lb. piles of elephant dung and watching warthogs root around in the grass to sprinkling pepper on my veggie burger. Like I said, a total mind-fuck.

Sunset in Kruger

Lots more to talk about. Miles and Cornelia got stranded in Clanwilliam when they tried to drive their rental car through an overflowing stream at 6am this morning. Oof. Lots of climbing pictures and photos of "The Great Elephant Encounter of 2009" are on his camera.

One final note: Did you know South African rest stops are equipped with fucking TRAMPOLINES???? Come on America. This is probably the best idea of all fucking time, why are we not in on this? First thing to do upon return home: Craft a strongly worded letter to Obama re: USA road travel and trampolines-how together they can save the economy.

HOW TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING

Somewhere above South Africa(n't)

Let's get some things straight here.

1] The *actual* number of people you can fit in an 11 passenger van is 25 + luggage. This is no joke. Not only am I serious, but it's not even rare or remotely bizarre. Quite normal in fact.

2] Trust me, your house does not suck. Don't believe me? Let's try an exercise: Get up. Now walk over to the nearest wall. Knock on it. Did it fall over? Is it made of cardboard? Now, go outside and look up at your roof. Is it being held down with large fruits or old spare tires? If the answer to any or all is "NO", then your house does not suck.

3] Your neighborhood does not suck. Don't believe me? Look outside your window. Is your house surrounded by any of the following: Barbed Wire, Electrified fencing, Attack dogs, or a wall no less than 8 feet in height? I'm guessing no. Well. The house where I am staying, as well as every house here, has ALL of the above.

4] Remember that time in elementary school when the black kid moved in to town and was in your class and everyone was sort of weird about it? Guess what, that was not awkward. Trust me.

5] Do you know what "necklacing" is? It's when you tie someone's hands behind their back, throw an old spare tire around their neck, fill it with gasoline, and light that shit on fire. Necklacing-to be certain-is for people whom are not interested in fucking around.

6] Monkeys are not scared of you. And they want your food. No matter what.

7] You have not lived until you have driven through S. Africa with the window down listening to THIS BAND on your iPHONE.

8] Running 56 miles in under 10 hours is beyond fucking insane. And the person who does it in 5:23 is not human. Remember that scene in Terminator where Arnold cuts his forearm open and peels the skin off and has a cybernetic endoskeleton underneath? I will bet everything that if we cut the guy who won the Comrades Marathon (56 miles) open, he will look the same.

9] When you arrive in South Africa, you do not ride an elephant to your final destination. I know, I was bummed too.

10] It is entirely possible to be vegan in South Africa. There's just one catch: IT FUCKING SUCKS.

They played La Roux in the Johanessberg Airport. La Roux! Crazy.

The Indian Ocean is warm and beautiful. Unlike all the food I have eaten in the last 4 days. 

That's Real Talk.

Ok. It's something hellish like 2am, and I have to get up in 5 hours to drive for 3 to go sport climbing at some place I can't spell. It's supposed to be magical. Many more pictures to upload. I'm learning a second language, I sound like an idiot. Newsflash I'm sure.

DEPRIVATION & DELIRIUM IN MADRID

Madrid. Chilling. So tired. Trying to find vegan food, thank you iPHONE.

Photo by Miles Cone, Army of One.

Aloha amigos! Como Estas? 

Prior to arriving in South Africa, me and my posse had a layover in Madrid.

When booking our flight, we had the choice of either a 9 hour, or an 18 hour layover.

At first, it seemed like a magnificent idea to hang out in the beautiful city for almost

a whole day. It would break up to trip to South Africa in to a 7 hour and then a 10

hour flight. Good plan right? 

Some key factors have been left out in the planning process: Sleep, showers, and 

overall energy. This resulted in falling asleep at dinner tables, collapsing in parks,

swollen feet from walking 12 miles in a day, fear, loathing, and madness.

But Madrid was amazing. Beautiful. Perfect weather. And great food.

It is now 11:24pm on Thursday in South Africa and I have slept essentially ZERO

since Tuesday morning when I woke up and left.

Me and Koba at Logan airport. Before the life was drained out of me.

Iberia dinner. Gross. Mrs. Dash? Really???

Barajas Airport is totally insane. I thought we took a flight to the future.

Bathrooms in Madrid win. 

Weather in Madrid wins. Madness and exhaustion had begun to settle in at this point.

Architecture in Madrid wins. I didn't even know what day it was or what my name was when I took this. 

Favorite picture from Madrid. 

Vegan food in Madrid wins, there's a FUCKING FLOWER on my veggie burger.

This was the view from the park in Madrid where we quite literally collapsed from exhaustion.

Bicicleta.

How the girls in Madrid manage to keep their legs as nice as they are, and still manage to eat FROSTING BURGERS is a wonder beyond imagination and science. 

Waiting for plane to South Africa, with the most sore feet of my life. 40 hours, no sleep.

Headed off to Durban for the weekend to chill near the Indian Ocean, watch Miles Cone, Army of One race in a double marathon (56 miles. That's effing nuts.), and do whatever else. Then coming back to go sport climbing in Strubens Valley on Monday. Then off to Kruger Wildlife Preserve for two days. Holy crap, I love this vacation. 

A DEAD HEAVY DAY

So. One more day. To pack, to wrap up loose ends. To cross my fingers. To clear out the last of whatever is left in my refrigerator. To give hi-fives. To muster my strength and climbing fitness. To enjoy any sort of vegan treats that will not exist to me for the next 3 weeks as I travel across South Africa. I had really meant to get back up to Rumney to polish off Dr. No (13d) before I left, and had things all set to go for Saturday morning. But pre-trip to-do lists prevailed and I had to bail. Then on Sunday, a second attempt was made only to be shot down by rain. Rain which normally would not prevent one from going to Rumney. There are plenty of quality rock climbs 5.12 and higher to be played on even in the most serious of rains. But as my luck would inevitably have it, Dr. No is essentially a glorified boulder problem, and the crux involves gripping for dear life to a crappy sloper at the lip of the climb. Rain. Crappy sloper. No good. Or as my good friend Jon Glassberg has been known to say "Maaaann, fuck those wet lips." I'm pretty sure he was talking about climbing, wasn't he?

Dr. No (13d), a soon to be long forgotten climb, somewhere in a place known only to me as "The Americas"

At any rate, Dr. No will just have to wait. I have lots planned for my trip, and evidently, there are plenty of boulders at ROCKLANDS to keep my mind occupied. And I would wager that in two weeks from now, I will not even remember what country Dr. No is in:

H O L Y S H I T. That's a lot of boulders.

I'm serious when I say you should keep checking back. I will be posting what I can only imagine will be some amazing photos. I am not even that great of a photographer. But let's get serious for a second...on my agenda, Lions, Elephants, Great White sharks, 1400 ft. trad climbs (solos???), scenic paradistic (is that a word? I just made it up) vistas, two of the cutest little kids of all time, and more bouldering than I can ever begin to comprehend.

Dr. No can wait. Only a few concerns here: I am flying on Iberia Airlines? Has anyone ever heard of this? Am I going to end up on an island with John Locke? Fuck. Can I update my blog from that island? Also unrelated. New Star Trek movie is good as hell. And I honestly could not possibly care less about Star Trek. I'll update from the road.

Live Long and Prosper.

RECORD OF THE MOMENT

ALTAR OF PLAGUES are a metal band from Ireland. This already sounds like it's going to suck, I know. But bare with me here. ALTAR OF PLAGUE's new record "White Tomb" almost defies description. It conjurs up words like black metal, ambient, epic, atmospheric, chilling, and dare I even use the cliche' word grim. But it's much more than a black metal record. It has hints of more progressive sounds not entirely unlike NEUROSIS or JESU. Their Myspace page has this to say about the album:

"Inspired by the unique land of the Burren, Co.Clare, "White Tomb" explores current global condition. Earthly connections have been lost; everything is draining of character and colour.

A White Tomb remains."

Sounds serious doesn't it? This record IS serious. With songs clocking in at around 15:00. It takes some serious sonic aptitude to keep me from falling asleep. But don't take my word for it, just click below to download the album in it's entirety and enjoy it for yourself. You will not be disappointed.

ALTAR OF PLAGUES-White Tomb